honestly...

I definitely slept in this morning. Oh, and you better believe that it was beautiful. Because it most certainly was. After a wake up call and a few rounds of Interpol, I finally made it out for morning prayer. 

And something good and true set in this morning as we talked to Him in a haze of nag champa and bright, bright sunlight- no one is left beyond the hope of rescue. If a ragged band of ex-somethings could have the desire to seek the eternal and leave the concrete upon waking up, if even WE could have heartsick need for God, then who am I to doubt that anyone else is unmovable? I read this story about a guy intercessing for his sister in Red Moon Rising last week, and it’s starting to make so much sense: 

“The reason I don’t pray for my sister is because it’s just too painful. To pray for her is to think about her situation. It means identifying with her and feeling her pain. So I find it easier just to forget the whole thing and pretend it’s not happening. But God’s been challenging me to feel my sister’s pain, because that’s actually what it means to truly intercede. I also beliece God is challenging us as a movement of young people to dare to feel the pain all around us. To move from praying ‘for’ people from the comfort of our own salvation to interceding ‘with’ them from a position of need.”

When I read that it was so convicting. Because I am that person. The one who cut herself off from all of the friends and associations that were scary, and had the slightest chance of swaying me away from God. When I moved back to Tulsa I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t contact anyone from my “OLD” life, that I wouldn’t go hang out with my sister if it anyway involved drinks, that I would start from scratch with a completely new group of friends who were entirely safe for me. And yet, I think that I am being corrected from that, ever so cautiously. It’s like… who the hell am I to let my fear of stumbling keep me from people who I have loved and who have loved me? Is that in anyway what an open shining light is? And more over, who am I to think that anyone is Too Far Gone for the rescuer? To not just give up, but not even bother praying for people because little bitty filthy me doubts what He can do with dirt. Slap. In. The. Face.

And so this morning I began a very small and timid push on the big rock. For my sister. For my friends. For Tulsa. Faith is, in definition, THE ASSURANCE OF THINGSHOPED FOR, THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS UNSEEN. Chew on that, mon ami. Here’s to grace, here’s to strength, here’s to persistence- this time for the big rocks. 

Braided at a horse show tonight. Not so much fun.

Afterwards, though, Seth, Rachel and I went and had coffee at the gypsy, which I hadn’t been to in like, three years. I had forgotten how cool it looked on the inside, in an incredibly nerdy way though. And I also realized that I have become slightly pretentious about coffee, because after I got my latte I was horrified at not only the milk texture, but the quality of the shots and presentation as well. C’est la vie. We sat in the back room and talked and relaxed and it was intimate and quiet and delicate and good. And on the way back the moon was bright and fake empire was perfect. I felt at peace. And at home. Tulsa is really starting to feel like my stomping grounds. I’m totally okay with that.

It is absolutely insane, to believe, to trust, to KNOW, that the God of the old testament, the Great One who called Abram, who wrestled with Jacob, who protected Joseph, who struck people dead, and provided for millions- that famous One, He created me.

And He is with me always. And now. As I brush my teeth, and as I dream, and as I drink coffee.

Incredible.

I officially had my first real sabbath today. I cleaned and breathed and all was well. 

Week two has officially begun. 

And the honeymoon has officially ended.

One of the most beautiful experiences I’ve had in my entire life happened tonight. And to me, the most shocking thing about it is that us Transit kids have only been together for 48 hours. And if God can move like He did tonight, what will He do when our hearts are really in His?

It started with the realization that we all had some sort of musical instruments. The weather was lovely, and so we decided to sit around on the picnic tables outside and test out our skills (or for me, lack thereof). We goobered around for a bit with worship, and somehow that turned into an interesting conversation about our past lives. As we talked about the things we had done, the politics of drugs, and the counterfeits of the world, I confessed that I had never really believed pot to be a bad thing because their are so many politics involved in why it is illegal. And then I had a realization. A big one. For me, pot isn’t bad necessarily because it’s illegal, but rather because when I smoke it, I am choosing to settle for a lesser happiness than what God has for me. 

This was huge. So gradually we started to worship again. And God called me, or beckoned me to just lie in the grass with Him, to look at the stars, and I did. I just lay there. And then I started giggling. And laughing. I am quite sure it looked maniacal and ridiculous, but I don’t think I have ever laughed so much even when I was stoned out of my mind. 

It was so pure. It was so real. And so much better than the counterfeit. 

Woke up early- made sure to. First impressions and all that jazz. Feeling a little better. Slightly humbled. Seth came in as I started making scones and it was nice to talk to him. I back-tracked a bit of the night before by explaining myself as having terrible social anxiety problems. He was kind about it. And I was quite excited to have someone to share my love of postrock with. after everyone woke up and ate we traveled down to the basement chapel for our first morning prayer. i felt like i was able to concentrate again, and apologized to the group. 

I wonder if living together with other people and getting along has more to do with humility than… being right. I mean, if the solution to problems that will arise is gonna rest in being able to say “Hey, I was wrong, and I’m sorry” instead of beating one’s self up or sticking to your guns to the point that you put up a wall.
Possibly. Maybe.

how’s this for day one- i’m already freaking out. this community thing is possibly going to be a lot harder than i could’ve imagined. i don’t know why but that many people scare me. it’s like, the minute i get in a group of more than like two or three other people, my mind just shuts down. i go into this defensive mode where i desperately want to avoid rejection, so i end up just freezing. or trying to escape. this, of course, is the brilliance of cigarettes. you can need a cigarette and thereby escape all of the troubles that being social entails. this means that i am slightly ashamed of myself. i want to have real one on one time, not hop from conversation to conversation. i want deep meaning.

i’m scared.

everyone seems so enthusiastic, and i feel like the only one freaking out.